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My Mea Culpa and How to Make Amends

Recently, I’ve been called out for some BIG mistakes I’ve made. Ouch! My boyfriend and I had a huge rupture last month (my mistake) and have been working to repair it ever since. Then, I had a beloved student call me out for incorrectly posting a testimonial without her express permission and with clear errors in it. Please see the end of this post for my retraction statement and my student’s corrected testimonial.

In both instances, I felt horrible to rupture their trust and hurt them. I was ashamed. I know I’m ashamed when I don’t want other people to find out the “real story” because I’m afraid I’ll look bad, be criticized or people will look down on me. I could feel the urge rising within me to make excuses, get defensive, sugarcoat and justify my actions. NOT helpful! 
 
Also, last week, I received a video message from someone who was making amends to me about an incident that happened several years ago – a welcome and healing surprise.
 
It got me thinking a lot about how to overcome our shame and take full responsibility in order to repair ruptures, heal relationships and effectively make amends. 

Shame-Based Defensiveness

What triggers our defensiveness is shame. It’s no fun to feel “wrong” or like you f*cked up. It hurts to know that you hurt another person – especially someone you care about. It’s embarrassing and easy to feel ashamed of our weaknesses, faults or thoughtlessness. 
 
Making mistakes is an inevitable part of life. Unfortunately, it often involves hurting someone else. Admitting that you’ve done something wrong can bring up shame and old wounds around feeling “not good enough” or like you are “bad”. It’s tempting to correlate doing something wrong with not being a good person.
 
Shame is the shadow quality of the 3rd chakra. Manipura, the 3rd chakra, also governs our sense of Self and our Ego Identity. Part of doing our Shadow Work and building a “balanced or healthy ego” is to fully embrace all of our weaknesses and faults alongside our gifts and positive attributes.

Psychological maturity is to allow the full spectrum of our human experience. We invite in and accept all the good, the bad and the ugly. We learn to move past black or white (all or nothing) thinking and “splitting”. Instead, we recognize that:

Being human means we are fallible. 

How to Make Amends

There’s no shame in making genuine mistakes and admitting our fault. What’s most important is how we choose to learn from our mistakes, how we make them right and the actions we choose to take afterwards to ensure we do better next time.
 
Being honest with ourselves about our behavior is crucial. Recognizing how our behavior has harmed others is the first step. Once we become more self-aware, we can take steps to apologize and repair what may have been broken. Making amends shows that you are committed to improving your character, learning and doing better.
 
So how do we take responsibility for creating harm and what do we do to make it right? 
 
First, to pull yourself out of any Shame Spiral and move forward effectively…
 

Here are 5 Steps to Overcome Shame-Based Defensiveness:

  • Explicitly name and embrace your faults or mistakes

  • Practice self-inquiry and radical transparency (I recommend seeking the help of a trained therapist or coach) to understand the roots of our behavior

    • Why did you choose this action?
    • What was coming up in you?

    • What are your “Shadow Qualities” or the unsavory parts of you that were acting out?

       

  • Practice Self-Forgiveness and Self-Compassion

    • Move from judgment to understanding.

  • Commit to doing better next time

  • Ask yourself what you need to put in place in order to do better next time. Set up an Accountability System (or Partner) to ensure you change your behavior.

The Difference Between Apologizing and Making Amends

Now, it’s time to make amends with the person you harmed. You can’t change the past, but there is a lot you can change in the present. So,

What are the best steps to authentically and effectively make amends?

First, we need to clarify the difference between saying “I am sorry” and making amends. 
 

Saying “I’m sorry.” means that you are apologizing for what you did, but an apology simply addresses the past. It can feel like an “easy out” and leave the person you hurt distrustful that it won’t happen again. Offering a sincere apology is only the first step.

What Does “Making Amends” Mean?

 
Making amends means you are seeking to make things right by amending your behavior. To “amend” means to revise, alter, change, modify or adjust. You are actively seeking to change your behavior and improve your character.
 
You are not only apologizing for the past. You are committed to acting differently moving forward. You are taking actions to correct a situation.
 

Making amends is a crucial step in the Twelve Step recovery program. Although, I am not sober or an expert on recovery by any means…it’s useful to review. Step 8 is all about looking back to see where you were at fault. Step 9 is then about doing your best to rectify the problem.

  • Step 8: “We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” 
  • Step 9: “We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Amends is compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind. Here are the simple steps of making amends:
  • Take stock of the damage you caused.
  • Express your sincere desire to heal.
  • Explicitly admit to your mistakes.
  • Find a way to repair the rupture.
  • Be patient about earning someone’s trust back.

8 Steps to Making Amends

Below are some key points to factor in when making amends.

Be Sincere

Do not make amends if you genuinely do not see what you did wrong. Or, if you feel rushed, pressured or are just apologizing for the sake of doing so.

  1. The other person can feel your insincerity (which is even more maddening)
  2. This is NOT truly making amends

Meet Face-to-Face 

Refrain from making amends online, by text or phone call. Speaking face-to-face is important. Try to meet in person, if at all possible. I recommend pulling any conversation off of social media (if it started there) and jumping on a call or preferably video chat to clear things up. It’s too easy for things to get lost in translation.

If you can’t meet in person, always ask for a FaceTime or Zoom call to connect as intimately as possible. Show the person how seriously you take this. Come prepared, grounded, centered and humble. 

Explicitly Admit Your Mistakes

Name exactly what you have done and how you hurt the other person. Remember: saying “I’m sorry” is not enough.

Specifically name your mistakes or faults. This will show that you are humble, have self-awareness and are taking 100% responsibility for your actions.

It may help to write down the details beforehand to clarify and come prepared. I recommend doing a meditation to imagine how the other person might feel or what their experience was. Put yourself in their shoes. How would a similar situation affect you? Be honest.

Being detailed in your conversation demonstrates you are invested, care and have thought about things beforehand.

Practice “Active Listening” 

Be empathetic and listen athletically – with your whole body, an open heart and open mind. Really let their words sink in.

Make direct eye contact. Stay open in your body language and nod your head as they explain their experience. Keep your breath deep and free. Stay grounded in your body (feel your feet on the floor).

Do not interrupt. Be patient and slow down your breath to self-regulate if you find yourself getting triggered, defensive or upset. Remember: this is their time to vent, explain and feel heard. They have a right to their feelings and inner experience.

Validate + Reflect

Patiently listen to their side of the story, opinions, thoughts and feelings regarding the hurt. Validate their feelings by reflecting back to them what you hear them saying and that you understand why they were hurt. Do not judge or minimize their feelings. 
 
After listening to them, here are some helpful questions to ask in response: 
  1. So, what I heard you say is…. (repeat back to them exactly what you heard them say…we often think we understand and caught everything, but we didn’t)
  2. Is that correct?
  3. Did I miss anything?
  4. Is there anything else you want say or you want me to hear and understand?

Ask + Repair

Remember that amends is about changing future behavior, not just apologizing for the past. 

Ask the person what you can do to right the situation and what they would need to have happen in order to make them feel better. Think reparations. This is a crucial step because we often don’t know what the other person needs for repair.

Show them that you’re willing to work towards rebuilding their trust again. If you are not willing to ask how you can right the wrong, you are not ready to truly make amends.

Remember, however, that just because you are trying to improve, doesn’t mean that the other person is ready to forgive and move forward. 

Occasionally, the person may have an irrational or manipulative request that you cannot fulfill. If this happens, thank them for the opportunity to make amends and take 100% responsibility for your mistake. Then, tell them you cannot comply with the request but are sincerely remorseful for your actions.

Own + Clean Up “Your Side of the Street”

The onus is on you to make amends. With that being said, all we can control is to clean up “our side of the street”. 

Take the initiative and make a concerted, sincere effort by taking responsibility for your actions. If making amends does not unfold the way you hoped it would, let it go.

There is no “right” reaction to your making amends and we cannot control another person’s response. If the person you’ve just made amends with does not accept them, don’t let this take away from the purpose. You are committing to change, self-awareness and self-improvement.

Practice Self-Forgiveness + Self-Compassion

Lastly, forgive yourself and work toward acceptance of your mistakes and the situation. Forgiveness invites us to embrace our full humanity. We are all flawed. Accept and become curious about your pain and embrace any pain you have caused (instead of resisting it) in order to relieve suffering.

We may not gain full closure or the grace we desire in a situation. In which case, our work is to allow things to be as they are, accept it and do better moving forward. 

My Mea Culpa

When I asked my student Jennifer what she needed to right my wrong of erroneously posting her testimonial, she stated that she needed a public retraction statement from me and to post corrections to her testimonial. The first paragraph was is a direct quote sent to me in a text message. The second paragraph was me paraphrasing from separate conversations we had. Here is the original testimonial for my Wellness Business Bootcamp and the corrections:

Original Posted Testimonial (sent out in an email)

“Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this program! It was beyond anything I could have anticipated. Definitely, worth the wait. It helped me to process unresolved grief that I was still carrying but most of all gave me a deeper understanding of myself and the tools to continue to go deeper within my own exploration which is priceless and so precious to me.

I just launched my Yoga for Cancer course and the hospitals now want to bring it in-house and license the curriculum. This business is just the beginning and growing in ways I never expected and I’m so excited!”

~ Jennifer Fremion, Cancer RN + Founder of Yoga for Cancer Training, Ft. Wayne, IN

And here are the mistakes I made:

  • Jennifer had sent me a personal text after our Live Training detailing the benefits she got from Yoga.Psyche.Soul.™ I did not receive permission from Jennifer to use this text message as a testimonial and there were some clear errors.
  • I added on a couple of lines at the bottom that summarized benefits she had spoken to me about personally (not written) and I got some of these details wrong. 
    • While Jen has been running a Yoga for Cancer support group/class for the last several years, it is not a professional training course.
    • She is not selling or licensing this curriculum as a course to other facilities at this point.

    • Jen’s credential is a Registered Nurse in Oncology and not a “Cancer RN”.

  • Finally, the original text testimonial was in response to her experience in my Yoga.Psyche.Soul.™ Live training and not specifically in reference to Module 6 or The Wellness Business Bootcamp for which it was used.

I hope this example and these tools help you admit your errors more quickly, seek to sincerely make amends when you have made mistakes and repair ruptures in relationships. As my teacher Ram Dass says, “We are all just walking each other home.”

Now, I’d LOVE to hear from you! Please leave a comment below with the #1 tip that helps you make amends or what has worked for you in the past to fully forgive or be forgiven.
 
 

8 Comments

  1. Kevin J Waters

    Ashley, Thankyou, for the Reminder, Amends, &, How, &, Why, we do what we do in “Correctly making Amends for Harms Done”, (It’s a Processe, not to be undertaken lightly). I was very lucky to have gotten to Recovery’s door setp which set the path that now has developed into a Practice of Meditation, Mindfulness, Awareness, Questions !! This has taught me that there can be a lot of unexpected Pain, making Amends, &, should only be done if I certain I’m not causing any further Suffering……

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  2. Barbara Boyer

    This is huge. Although I go through life as a compassionate and understanding person, I do find it hard to see my errors as clearly as I should which makes it harder to apologize.

    Thank you for these important and insightful steps of moving through mistakes to positives outcome.

    reply
  4. Yonca McCabe

    Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and making amends so beautifully. This journey of life is not meant to be perfect but it iseant to be embraced with all of its imperfections. Thank you for setting an example and shining your light on.

    reply
  5. Diane

    Thank you for this post Ashley. I had particularly rough week with two arguments with my youngest adult daughter. Although I tried apologizing, it was from defensiveness and from my own sense of feeling under appreciated. Very codependent behaviors that came up for me showing that, although I’m walking this “spiritual path” daily, I’m still a human and frequently fuck up! Thank you for your vulnerability and the suggestions that are so powerful. I’m taking all of these suggestions and working through my shit to make true amends xo

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  6. Jacqueline

    My challenge is how to make amends when in one particular situation I believe it could be an unwelcome intrusion and possibly disruptive in the life of someone I fully recognise I would like to make amends with above and beyond my words of “I am profoundly sorry” . I’ve held this awareness for a considerable period . I know too that it is a tension within me that in a sad way I believe is my burden to carry daily as I do not see how my relief could be attained without further hurting this person.

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  7. Elisa

    Thank you Ashley. This brought me back to a situation of the heart from years past. I always wondered if I did all I could to make amends. After reading your suggestions, I realized I did the best I could in the situation. I hope this will be a step forward in moving past the shame and self-judgement, which has held back my participation in life. Thanks for your transparency.

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  8. Priyanka

    Thank you for this article Ashley. It gives everyone else more incentive to look into themselves.

    What particularly works for me in this article is that attention to having a meeting with someone to help make amends. I have sent out emails but yes, meetings definitely help translate all the emotions that come with sitting across that person you hurt.

    reply

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