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How to grieve the death of a loved one + loss
Whether you are mourning the death of a loved one, a pet, relationship/marriage, job or career that is coming to an end, the aging process, inability to conceive, miscarriage, abortion (including creative abortions) or a devastating heartbreak – it is crucial that we learn to fully express and process the accompanying emotions of grief, anger, loss, sadness, resentment, depression and disappointment.
After losing one of my greatest teachers, mentors and friends unexpectedly this week, I’ve been diving deeply into the grieving process. May these tools serve you well.
Unfortunately, in our culture we don’t have a lot of systems and support for the grieving process so it’s important that we take responsibility and learn how to hold ourselves in such a vulnerable time.
1. Give yourself time + space to feel + fully express GRIEF. Allow GRIEF to cut you to the bone. Grief, death and mourning is the dark teacher of love – as well as the most fierce and awakening teacher.
Let out your wails, cries and screams! Many of us live without a lot of space or privacy in close-knit apartments or with others. Find the space to give your primal animal a place to be heard – get out into nature, or maybe when you are in your car driving alone…fully release. This vocal lament is called keening in Gaelic Scotland and Ireland and considered a cornerstone of the mourning process.
EMOTION = ENERGY in MOTION
Let your energy move. Exercise. Move. Use sound. Release. Honor your version of the grieving process.
2. Find support with people who share your grief. Maybe you are not grieving a loved one, but a divorce, miscarriage, abortion, job or the aging process. Seek support and verbally share your story with others who are or have experienced something similar. Modern psychology and ancient initiatory rites widely recognize the power of being witnessed, respected and honored in times of challenge – especially from those who can relate to exactly where you’re coming from. There is a great, healing alchemy in sharing and being seen in our vulnerability and authenticity.
3. Use music to support + evoke your emotional journey. Be extremely gentle with yourself. Take the time to just be still. Lay down, rest and listen to sweet, healing music. Music that evokes sadness and loss may help to stir and release any tears or tenderness – moving it through you. Savor these precious moments.
4. Do ANGER WORK!!! Non-negotiable, but often overlooked. Anger is one of the 5 main stages of grief – along with denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross – author of the seminal and groundbreaking “On Death and Dying”.
Clearing anger helps prevent you from getting stuck in the later depression phase.
Depression = Repression.
Get a pillow and tennis racket and pound away. Or write “FUCK YOU” letters to the person who died, to yourself, to the marriage, job, to God/Cosmos – listing all the reasons why this unfair, wrong and totally fucked up!
Any form of verbalizing or writing your feelings is necessary for the sadness and grief of the heart to move upwards and out through the mouth. If the true feelings of the heart are not heard…the heart gets scared, clogged, shut down and blocked.
5. Do the APPRECIATIONS. Meditate.
Sit quietly for a few minutes. Connect with the spirit or archetype of what you have lost (ex. person, unborn child, job, outgrown phase of life) and begin an inner dialogue with it. Start a conversation:
What do they need from you? What did they have to teach you? What else do they want you to know? What lessons did you learn?
Be open to receive any insights or intuition in a non-verbal way: sensation, sound, memory, and image all represent the right brain (emotional, non-linear) to help release and heal.
Next, send this person or thing GRATITUDE. Bless them wherever they are in the universe. Send them love and remember/appreciate all they have done and how they gifted your life.
Most of all, be extraordinarily tender with yourself in any time of disappointment or loss. The path is precious and the heart tender
Please email, facebook me or leave a comment of what has worked for you in the grieving process. I am here for you and would love to hear your tips.
Peace + love,
Ashley
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Thank you for the tips. my Mom just died suddenly.
All of the things that you mentioned help. Music (reggae for me) did a lot. Hanging out with your children or any children helps a lot. Beer in moderation can help. Exercise. And the most helpful was being able to help other people.
Ashley,
Boy was this a timely video for me. Don’t know if you remember me, but I am a former yoga student of yours who has struggled with Crohn’s Disease since age 8 (I’m 30 now). I have a very severe form of the disease, and so after a dozen serious surgeries and having been on all the cutting edge meds, my doctors (among the best in the country) still can’t fix my broken body. So I often feeling as though I am mourning my “well” body when I slip into the depths of a flare-up, and I’ve been struggling with a pretty difficult one as of late. What I always loved about your approach to class, Ashley, is a blending of Eastern traditions with the understanding that we still live in a Western world. For example, you explain the tradition in ancient cultures of “wailing” or vocalizing pain, and then suggest, for those of us who may live around the corner from the freeway rather than the forest, that we do this in our cars! Brilliant! I myself have taken advantage of the small but private (and mobile!) interior of my little Honda to weep, wail, curse, moan, sing at the top of my lungs, and then perhaps pull into a parking lot, climb in the backseat, and rest once the sobs have loosened their grip on me and I feel the need to lay down and try to regain my strength.
(Oops, I hit “post” accidentally before I was done, tiny iPhone keyboard be damned!) I’ll wrap this up by mentioning that I have always held the believe that as long as you’re not hurting yourself or another, any coping mechanism we can employ–either in the short or long term–is a good one. When I was sick as hell, in the hospital recovering from major surgery at 13 years old (and again at 14, 15, 16, 17, 18…well, you get the idea), my coping mechanism was watching funny movies–mostly of the Adam variety–over and over again. They provided a temporary escape until my young brain could begin to process the trauma it had been through. There’s no magic bullet here. The only thing that truly heals is time, I have found.
Thanks, Ashley, for sharing your own mourning process with us. It helps to feel that we’re not alone in our struggles to comprehend, deal with, and heal from loss.
xx,
Lauren
Ok, this is getting silly, my keyboard just doesn’t like this tiny box–it was supposed to say “Adam Sandler” up there, not just “Adam.”. Sorry for the triple post.
Ashley, thank you for sharing this wisdom as you work through your loss. It’s so important for us to hear that we need to take the time to deal with grief!
Moving through grief is very important; my coauthor and I agree that exercise works well for meditation, and sometimes the physical pain of working out helps balance the emotional anguish. When you feel the pain of soreness after running hard, you know that you went through pain to gain strength; that’s important to remember about loss– the pain you’re feeling is building your strength.
The more painful the loss, the more important and wonderful the thing we lost was to us. You can keep your memories and experiences alive, and in doing so, you honor the person you lost and yourself.
In this video, you shared not only your grief and coping exercises, but also the rich and powerful legacy of your mentor. Thank you for being brave enough to share your pain and strength.
Cry, wail, move, hurt, and heal. I wish you peace and comfort as you grieve. -Tegan
@lauren…
Yes! I have used my car MANY times to release pent up emotions that I didn’t know where to put…especially living in an apartment building with shared walls and close neighbors.
Crone’s Disease is intense and have several loved ones who struggle with the pain and suffering of it. There are so many things beyond our control and the answer is NOT to ‘meditate our way out of it’.
We can be peaceful and focus on love and light…but we still have to honor the Shadow – anger, fear, sadness, fury + grief.
Often in the yoga/spiritual world – we tend to deny this very real human side of spirituality! Thank you so much for sharing! Your story helps others feel less alone and more understood.