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Tips for Breakups, Heartache + Sadness
What to do when the going gets tough? Keep going.
This post goes out to all of you who are navigating the tricky waters of transition, heartbreak, loneliness, disappointment or loss. I’m right there with you this month!
Both my parents grew up on corn and soybean farms in central Illinois. I come from grounded, humble, hardworking and loving stock.
Decades of watching the seasons change and being entirely dependent on the weather and forces far beyond your control breeds a deep trust in the nature of things. An earth based spirituality rooted in the reality of the way things are. Ever-changing. Ebbing-flowing. Sometimes the crop is abundant. Sometimes there’s a drought. Consequently, my dad consistently offers up no-nonsense, refreshingly practical advice (may also have something to do with him being a lawyer).
For the past few weeks, I’ve been going through a rough period of heartbreak, disappointment and sadness after a breakup from my lovely long-time boyfriend. A few days ago, my dad called to check in and ask how I was doing. I told him I was upset, mad and frustrated with tears rolling down my cheeks.
He said simply, “Well, everything changes. Sometimes you’ve just got to pick yourself up and keep moving on. Get up everyday and do your best. You will get through this. Put one foot in front of the other. Another man will come your way.”
His left-brained words landed. They lifted my heart. I could breathe. Oh yeah! It will all change. This has happened before and I’m stronger, deeper and richer for it. (Breakups still suck.)
The piercing of truth through a veil of emotion. Believe me…I’m all for emotional expression, cultivating emotional intelligence and emotional processing. Afterall, I am a Cancer with a Pisces moon and enough water in my chart to be an amphibian. But, this uncomplicated, plain advice was the perfect medicine.
Father’s Day 2011 – Montage Laguna
Here are a few more tips to help you through heartache:
#1 – BEFRIEND YOUR PAIN.
Let yourself swim in the watery tears and swirling emotion. Actually FEEL. Identify the SENSATIONS of sadness/anger/loneliness in your body. Describe them. When we learn to practice mindfulness and become “friendly” towards whatever we are feeling (a Buddhist concept called “maitri”), just becoming curious and watching it with sincere intrigue…we soften, allow and have less need to push away. We realize this wave will pass and another one will come. Give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself.
#2 – INVITE YOUR ‘DEBUTANTE’ TO THE PARTY.
My old therapist, Mona Miller, used to say that I have strong, bullying inner “debutante” – a teenage princess who systematically rebells when she doesn’t get what she wants, when she wants it. She whines. Quickly slipping into denial, she knows exactly how to manipulate a person or situation to get what she wants. Or at least try. This is not helpful. It only prolongs the inevitable. Instead, I learned to invite the debutante to the pity party. She actually is the one throwing the pity party. I let her whine it out on the pages of my journal, or yell and scream at the top of my lungs while hitting a pillow with a whiffle bat. Yes, I really do this. Yes, it really works. She must be heard. Her voice is the valuable inner heart of your sadness. Let her in. Let her be heard. Then…be a good parent. Draw clear boundaries and don’t let her run the show. Party’s over.
#3 – PRACTICE RADICAL SELF-CARE.
The heart is precious. Love is our most vulnerable, tender temple of Self. When we are wounded, heartbroken, disappointed or sad it is crucial that we go the extra mile to treat ourselves with upmost respect. Get a massage. Eat especially clean, nutritious foods. Avoid self-sabotaging behaviors that only repress difficult emotions which will resurface sideways and compounded at a later, most inconvenient date. Slow down your work load and take it easy. Spend time with trusted friends and supportive family. You are wounded. Time and self love will heal.
#4 – KEEP GOING. ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER.
As Ralph Turner says, “Pick yourself up. Keep going. It will all change.”
Take an action step (baby steps perfectly acceptable) to keep moving towards your dreams. Literally, get moving. EXERCISE! Nothing will make you feel better. Call old friends, strengthen your social network (in real life…not just online, people), do 1 thing every day that propels you forward. Small, baby steps. Forgive yourself for taking it slow…but make a commitment to take 1 measurable step a day. I decided to launch a 30-Day Yoga Challenge. I’m doing 30 yoga classes in 30 days with 30 different teachers. (blogs on this coming) Do something radically different. You will be rewarded.
Thanks, Dad for inspiring this post and for your ever-present love, wisdom and support! I am one lucky daughter! I LOVE YOU!
Please a comment below with 1 thing that helps you through heartbreak. I need all the help I can get.
If you’re inspired…please share, tweet, pin, FB or + this.
xoxoxo
Ashley
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i am going through extreme pain right now and I found this around the web. Thank you I hope this would help me make it through this.
Excellent work, several rather strong points! I truly appreciate you writing this posting and the remainder of your website is outstanding!
This was a beautiful post. Nothing in the world hurts more than heartbreak…you are a role model for everyone! Thank you for writing this!
xoxo, Meghan
I know these posts are from 2012, but I hope your heartache has ended and your emotional attachment has been severed. I hope the same for me. Unfortunately, the woman I love left me for someone with fewer problems, a big house and more money. Oddly, it was right at the time my finances and life started to improve greatly. Found sex texts and realized she’s had sex with this separated guy and was head over heels. She lied for months while we continued to see each other. Sex and affection had stopped. I should have known. But things were getting better I thought. We had sex 3 days before I found out abt the guy. I am heartbroken, betrayed and destroyed inside. I hope my thoughts of our wonderful times cease as do the thoughts of her enjoying his “company”.
Thank u Ashley <3 I needed this ^^ .
I'm so sorry about what happened as well <3
Dancing helps me get through heartache & watching good films & being firm to myself when I tell myself that I need to stop feeling down & actually get up to improve my mood 🙂 *Hugs* Let's be strong!^^
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…ashley!!! (((hugs))) i know this didnt come easy for u but i do know that this is perfect for ur plan, someway, sumhow, greater sharpening of urself is occurring. thank u for being honest and sharing and thank goodness for ur dad…for reminding u (us) of the goodness u (we) posses in solitude and how to get back to sharing that without regrets…getting ur (our) cup/s overflowing again and taking ur (our)life force to new heights!!! at least thats what i heard 🙂 one love ashley. namaste!
sending you lots of love xo
Hi Ashley,
I am sorry you are hurting. Warm eHugs to you.
Take your time to ….
🙁 -> 😐 -> 🙂 -> :-))
C.
Hi Ashley, you have been one of my sources of relief during my own painful breakup. It’s a process I’m still going through after 7 months. It is what it is; sad, heartbreaking, etc., and all you can do is feel it and get through one day at a time. One thing that gets me through is remembering a previous time in my life when I thought the world was over. And then it wasn’t, because I still woke up every morning. And then the right people showed up; new people. It all seemed in divine order. But for everything, there is a season. It’s okay to be sad, confused, angry now. That’s normal. Be good to yourself today. One day at a time.
Ashley-
I find it helpful to pray daily to be released from my attachment.
I’m sorry to hear that you are hurting. Sending support and love!!!
Love you Ashley,
Thank you… My dad passed last Tuesday so I have been in heartache but not wanting to let myself process…Today finally decided to let myself be sad and lonliness..and so this was perfect timing my dear! <3
I am so sorry about the pain you are going through. About 7 years ago I went through a divorce after 11 years of marriage. It was a hugely painful time for me, sometimes seemingly unbarable. My place of solice was definitely getting on my yoga mat. For me it was less about the physical (although that helped too). It was more about connecting with my inner self. One day one of my Yoga teachers read a quote (I think it was from Oprah actually). It was the one about god having a greater dream for me than I could have for myself. For what ever reason, I really truly heard that and my soul resonated with it. I surrendered and knew in a very deep way that my life was changing for the better ( even though I was still in the midst of the dismantling part of it.) I am in a new marriage now for the past four years and my life is better in every way. The other thing that was a huge part of healing for me was Argentine tango. It was a huge teacher for me about energy exchange in a partnership and provided me so much insite about myself, my boundaries, being open to another, trust, responsibility etc. I hope this is helpful.
Thank you Ashley for sharing your tips, i’m going through a period of work transition and what’s helping me the most is putting myself ‘out there’ so I am in new environments with new people – volunteering opportunities, taking drop-in classes etc. Whilst there is part of me that is a little scared of the unknown (what am I going to do next? when will my next paid job be in place?)if I stay at home and over-think or wallow too much, it disempowers me. So for sure, spending time with others is a great way to be reminded that life goes on, and there are many more chapters ready to be written. Look forward to finding out about your 30 day challenge x
Hi Ashley, thanks for this video! Last year, I went through the saddest breakup of my life, with the boy who brought me to Aspen, and one of the major things that helped me through it was YOUR (first?) yoga-chakra-immersion-week in Aspen! I took like eight classes in a row from you (even after the week) and really absorbed all the loving messages you put out + the difficult yoga, and it got me back on my feet. Like your point 4 above, it was my action step that let me embrace the sadness but also move forward. THANKS! 😉
So sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. This is great advice- I’ve been there & the only thing you can do is just keep going, keep moving forward, embrace time- no mattter how slowly it moves.
We’re doing a 30 day Yoga Instagram challenge- sounds like it would be a great fit for you. Can’t wait to read about your yoga adventure!