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How to Deal with Toxic Relationships
HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
Do you have emotional vampires in your life? Do you have friends or family that suck your life energy and leave you feeling depleted, depressed, irritable and antsy?
Here are some simple strategies to help minimize or eliminate toxic people from your life:
1. IDENTIFY THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES IN YOUR LIFE. Scan your life and notice what friends, family, colleagues, co-workers or romantic partners sap your energy, clog your life and bring you down.
2. TELL TALE SIGNS SOMEONE IS SUCKING YOUR BLOOD:
- you begin feeling tired and depleted
- your eyes are droopy
- your posture starts to collapse (rounded back, hunched shoulders, collapsed middle)
- you notice yourself getting irritable, anxious, antsy
- you feel insecure, unsure of yourself, off-kilter and are not sure why
- you crave carbohydrates, sugary or ‘comfort food’
- you can’t get a word in edge-wise
3. BASIC SPECIES OF VAMPIRE TO AVOID:
- NARCISSIST: You can’t get a word in edge-wise, everything is about them, even if you tell a story – they spin it back to themselves in relation to their experience, you have been hanging out with this person for hours and they haven’t asked you one question about yourself.
- VICTIM: Negative Nelly. All blame and “woe-is-‘me'”. Down on their luck, nothing is their fault (conspiracy theorists, anyone?!?). You wind up feeling depressed and equally negative. Making those around them feel guilty.
- CONTROL FREAK: Always dominating, righteous, thinking they know best and trying to fix your problems, inundating, pushy.
4. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES:
- CLEARLY DEFINE A TIME LIMIT FROM THE BEGINNING. If you must be in contact with a vampire (family or co-worker) – immediately state the time limit that you have. i.e. “I’m running into a meeting in 10 minutes, so our conversation has to be brief.” or “I am on a deadline and have to get back to work…is there a quick question I can help you with?”
- 3-4 hr. TIME LIMIT WITH FAMILY. If you’re home for a holiday or on an extended trip with a vampire (alcoholic brother-in-law, pushy mother, critical co-worker) limit yourself to no more than 3-4 hours together.
- USE BODY LANGUAGE. Stand a few feet away from them so you’re not ‘caught up in their space’, cross your arms, wear a hat to seal your energy in, wear shiny objects (jewelry, gem stones, metal) to deflect their energy, lean away from the.
- KNOW YOUR EXIT STRATEGY. Make up an errand you have to run or a phone call you must take (outside!), go to the store, for a run, do a brief meditation, call a friend or therapist for support. Have a friend call you at a certain time to interrupt. Do whatever you need to do to return to center. Return only when your head and energy field is clear and strong.
Please leave a comment below and share the specific strategies that help you deal with toxic relationships and create healthy boundaries.
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Love,
Ashley
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I totally agree with sarah…i had many experiences when trying to be at least friendly had a wrong effect (i think that such people perceived me as willing to listen to them, so i become the favorite go-to person for complaining)
If you have to spend time with such people, it is good to engage in activities where you do not talk much (like going to the cinema, etc)
Thanks Ashley for this post!
Here is another example of the all about me society. Whatever happened to being compassionate and caring in our culture. It is easy to push somebody away because their problems are not your problems and if you try to help a person they cling to you. Did anyone ever think that this is so because you were their last attempt at finding some adive or understanding? Maybe the person is feeling stuck in a bad situation and has nobody to go to becauyse friends and family have taken the same stance. Yet the situation for that person eat away at them and they don’t have anybody to vent to. Maybe thats why people choose to die instead of getting help. Everybody now is treated like a number and not a human being anymore. Maybe it would be better to find out what their real problem is first before sending them away to their lone closet.
Thanks Ashley !
So how do you deal with it if its your husband of 8 years and you have 4 children!? Sadthing is he knows hr has this effect but his attempts to manage it are futile. We have been working together on it for the past 3 years. When his narcisstic side or the control freak flys out I bring it to his attention he will sit me down, apologize and start the convo over but its do draining and frankly boring! I get tired of the conversations always ending up about him!
This is such a helpful post! Thank you Ashley.
I have been able to easily set boundaries with toxic people at work or socially simply by not engaging with them and not being particularly welcoming towards them!! That may sound harsh but I have learnt that sometimes if you are friendly and open towards them they can latch on to you and you become their go-to for when they want to complain or vent.
What has been harder is dealing with family members, and (I don’t know if this in true in the States but it is here in the UK) quite a few twenty-somethings (and even thirty-somethings) are returning to the family home due to job losses or relationship break-ups, which can mean trying to set boundaries with one or two toxic/negative parents. If you’re under the same roof, it can be hard! And parents can have expectations that because you are their children, you should want to be with them no matter what.
What i’ve found effective is doing whatever it takes to get out of the house, learn how to say ‘no’ and stick to it without having to justify yourself, make sure you have a good network of positive friends and connections in other areas of your life. At a more immediate level, something that works for me is doing something whilst they deliver their negative monologue! So for example, i can manage listening to them whilst i’m cooking dinner as most of my attention can go into cooking, or even ‘talk’ (read: ‘listen’) to them whilst cleaning.
Finally, something that can work is thinking of ways to make your time with them as fun as possible (this is more likely to work with friends or family). For example, if you know that if you go to a bar with a moany friend all they will do is moan, go to the cinema with them instead (no talking!). If you have to visit negative family for an afternoon, bring board games or recent photos to divert them from harping on.
And of course there will be cases where you have to cut people loose. It can be hard if they are genuinely a ‘good person’ (haven’t done anything bad to hurt you, they’re just negative moaners). But it’s about respecting your own energy, emotional stability, and life-time! The time you give to putting up with them could be used in better ways.